Hansel y Gretel

I’ve got another Spanish piece for you, folks! The assignment was to “remix” a fairytale of our choosing, adding a funny or bizarre twist. In translating this piece into English, I realized something that I imagine should’ve been obvious. Word-for-word translations do not work! I had to sit for a long time in order to figure out exactly what words I had to use in English in order to get the same message across as I had in Spanish. What a journey that was.

I hope you all enjoy this piece. I tried to be funny, which I already know isn’t my forte. I’ll work on it! Thank you, as usual, for reading. Scroll down for the English translation. See you next week!


Érase una vez un leñador y su esposa que vivían en el bosque con sus hijos, Hansel y Gretel. No tenían mucho dinero, así que les costaba mucho sostener la dieta de Hansel, que tenía celiaquía, junta con la de Gretel, que de repente había decidido que quería ser vegana. Como se puede imaginar, estos requisitos eran bastante difíciles y caros en medio del bosque en Alemania durante el invierno.

Como era imposible sostener esta dieta sin pagar al mensajero cada semana para llevar las pocas opciones veganas que existían en 1812, los padres decidieron que la solución más eficaz y económica sería abandonar a Gretel en el bosque. Decidieron también abandonar a Hansel porque en esta época el pan sin gluten era bastante asqueroso.

Una noche, Gretel no podía dormir y fue a la cocina para buscar algo de comer. En este momento, oyó a sus padres tomando la decisión de dejar a ella y a Hansel en el bosque. Por supuesto, Gretel se preocupaba mucho, pero no sabía qué hacer. Al día siguiente, el padre les dijo a Hansel y Gretel:

—Voy a cortar madera. Venid conmigo.

Y se fueron. Una vez fuera del alcance del oído de su padre, Gretel compartió las malas noticias con su hermano:

—Escucha, Hansel. Papá nos va a dejar solitos en el bosque y no sé que hacer ¿Cómo vamos a regresar a casa?

Hansel, con toda confianza en si mismo, respondió: —No te preocupes, Gretel. Yo voy a dejar caer estas migas de pan mientras caminamos y así podremos regresar a casa.

—¿Y por qué tienes pan en tu bolsillo?

—Gretel. Soy gluten free. Siempre llevo mi propio pan.

—¿Y si los pájaros del bosque comen el pan?

—Hermana mía, es pan sin gluten. Con toda probabilidad, ni siquiera apetece a los pájaros.

Y Hansel tenía razón. El padre les dejó en el bosque. Sin preocuparse, Hansel y Gretel caminaron por el bosque, dejando caer sus migas. Aún vieron una casa hecha completamente de postres, pero no les apeteció porque estos postres claramente no eran veganos, ni hablar sin gluten.

Después de andar un ratito más, Hansel y Gretel siguieron las migas para regresar a casa.

Al cabo de pocos meses, todos murieron de hambre.

Fin.


(English translation)

Once upon a time, a woodcutter and his wife lived in the woods with their two children, Hansel and Gretel. They didn’t have much in the way of money, and it therefore cost them dearly to sustain Hansel’s diet—he had celiac disease. All this in conjunction with Gretel’s diet—she had suddenly decided to go vegan. As one can imagine, these requirements were quite difficult—not to mention expensive—to meet in the middle of the woods during a German winter.

As it was impossible to sustain this diet without paying the messenger each week to bring this family the few vegan options that existed in 1812, the struggling parents decided that the most effective and inexpensive solution to their problem would be to abandon Gretel in the woods. They decided that they’d also abandon Hansel, because in these days, gluten-free bread was pretty gross.

Once night, Gretel couldn’t sleep, and she went to the kitchen to find something to eat. At that moment, she overheard her parents making the decision to abandon her and her brother in the woods. Of course, Gretel was incredibly concerned, but she hadn’t the slightest idea what to do. The next day, her father said to his children:

“I’m going to find wood. Come with me.”

And they went. Once they were out of earshot of their father, Gretel shared the bad news with her brother:

“Listen, Hansel. Dad’s gonna abandon us in the woods and I don’t know what to do. How are we supposed to get home?”

Hansel, with all the confidence in the world, replied, “Don’t worry, Gretel. I’m going to drop these breadcrumbs on the ground as we walk, and later, we can follow them back home.”

“And…why exactly do you have bread in your pocket?”

“Gretel. I’m gluten free. I always carry my own bread.”

“Okay, but what if the forest birds eat the bread?”

“Sister dearest, it’s gluten-free bread. In all likelihood, not even the birds will want it.”

And Hansel was right. Their father left them in the woods. The worry-free Hansel and Gretel ambled through the woods, periodically dropping their breadcrumbs. At one point, they discovered a house that was made entirely of dessert, but they weren’t even a little bit interested because none of the desserts were vegan—not to mention gluten-free.

After a while, Hansel and Gretel followed their unappetizing breadcrumbs home.

Within a few months, the entire family died of hunger.

Fin.

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